My father passed away just a few years ago and his passing hit us all hard, especially my mom who had been married to him for over 40 years. At first she withdrew into herself, didn’t hang out with friends, didn’t want to socialize – and my brother and I have been working really hard to get her into the market, and in the current months have suggested she try just going on a few dates.
To our shock, she agreed. She joined a relationship site and got all into it, which is nice. There is only one huge downside: she keeps talking to me about her sex life. She used to be quite excited about such things, but now every time I see her, she has everything to talk about. And in a very graphic element! Positions she likes or needs to try, method questions, I get asked about toy recommendations for relationships…it goes on and on.
I don’t claim to sound rude, however my 73 12 months previous mom talking to me about oral sex is just getting close to excessive for me. I don’t want to give her a very constructive debt during intercourse or make her really feel like she’s not entitled to something nice, but it’s hit the spot where I’m so uncomfortable I’m really avoiding her calls so I shouldn’t go chatting again about his latest bedroom journey.
Any idea how I can get her to stop without hurting my feelings?
Van, confused daughter
Dear Jane, My widow of 73 12 months is exaggerating about her sex life and it makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dear Confused Daughter,
I’m glad your mom has a second chance at life, especially after such a fun marriage and the huge loss that followed.
And I am shocked that she shares everything with you. Gosh, there are some tensions that should never be worked over, and I don’t think kids need or need to learn about the life of their dad-mom relationship.
In his weekly Dear Jane agony aunt column, the international best-selling author offers sage advice on essentially the most degressive problems facing DailyMail.com readers.
It’s oversharing, crossing the line and, I think most young people would agree, very inappropriate.
Your mom sounds incredible, and it’s reasonable that she’s starting an intercourse collection because of your suggestion, however I shudder in horror that she’s questioning you, her daughter of all people, about the method. What helps me though, given how new this is to her, is that she wants someone to talk to, ideally someone she wasn’t born with.
It can’t rain on her parade if you let her know it has to stop. I recommend following the phrases earlier than sitting down with him, just to avoid returning to such an uncomfortable topic in disgust.
When you’re ready, and ideally for a specific person, let them know you want to discuss one thing. Start by saying how excited you would be for her to embrace life and adventure again. Show how completely you might be happy with her exploration and that it’s nice that she’s waking up sexually, but as her daughter you’re very uncomfortable hearing about it. If she needs to talk about her sex life, she will have to find one other person to confide in.
Maybe she has a boyfriend, or if not, she can find a counselor. At least Dr. Google and now Chat GPT have many ideas about the method.
If she refuses to stop, cut her off and remind her that you just don’t want to talk to her about it. It may only take a few times for the message to sink in, however if you happen to take a deep breath, be brave enough to interject with this phrase all the time, she will stop sharing too much with you.
My younger sister now went through a very nasty divorce almost 12 months in the past and was basically unceremoniously kicked out of the home she had been living in with her horrible ex-husband.
At that time she asked if she could come back to me for just a few weeks while she sorted herself out – and of course I was more than happy to welcome her into my home. My youngsters adore her, she will get along very well with my husband, and I believed it could be an effective way for us to spend some time together if she was home for a while.
The level is… that was ten months ago now. And she doesn’t show any signs of wanting to look for a place or try to make a transfer. I’ve only dropped a few hints about it and even tried to get her to sit down with me and participate in online rental listings, but every time I do she just says it brings back too many horrible memories of her breakup and he or she starts to cry.
I don’t mean to be indirect, however I would like my private house again! She works from home so she’s there all the time and I just feel like I don’t have time for myself or time to be with my husband. She is a wonderful person, but I really feel like I have a third baby!
Any suggestions on how to get her to maneuver?
Van, stuck with a cracker
Dear stuck with a cracker!
As many people know, after three days most businesses start to smell fishy. You have lasted ten months and of course you deserve a medal.
How great of you to receive her into your private house, however boyish, she now benefits. The undeniable fact that she breaks down in tears every time you bring a transfer tells me that she is aware of how you can very well manipulate you and is almost exactly where she needs you wrapped around her little finger.
Dear Jane’s Sunday service
The “drama triangle” Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor was practically developed 40 years ago by Dr. Steven Karpman, and many people fall back into familiar roles created in childhood to help us survive.
But this particular triangle is as unhealthy as it will get, and recognizing our position can help us break the cycle.
Victims see themselves as helpless and seek to be saved or saved. Rescuers can usually be facilitators, should be sought out, and can turn out to be martyrs with festering resentment. And when a rescuer stops saving, they are considered a pursuer.
You should be with your husband and the youngsters and he or she should go. Ignore the tears that may arise whenever you discuss this with her, because tears have always gotten her exactly what she needs. So wait for her to stop crying. Heck, maybe pull out a useful area of tissue from the couch and drop hints.
Make it clear to her that you’ve been perfectly content being a landing pad during this difficult time, however you all want your home again and it’s time for her to go. Make her a date so she can look for one thing. Ignore the tears and any histrionics, keep calm and tell her to be discovered elsewhere by that date.
It is not easy because she is profiting from you. Living rent-free in her own house is quite a bit better for her.
After ten months, crying about finding another place to live while reminding her of the divorce is manipulative, flawed, and keeps her as the victim while everyone else is rooting for her.
No matter how long this goes on, she should not take responsibility for her own life.
Please don’t be fooled by the tears. Be calm and clear and stick to the date she has to leave.
You can always rent a truck and you and your husband can help load it. Anyway, no further hints. You and your husband want your house back, and if she doesn’t arrange movers by that date, you need to.
Things may be stable with her for a while, but I think your relationship will settle down once she stands on her own two feet and takes responsibility for making her own decisions, none of which can happen while you’re in tears. Be loving and be STRONG.